the paradox effect
It's strange what feelings and perceptions we carry with us through life that originate from early childhood.
As a child, there is not much you can completely control by yourself, we are at the mercy of the adults around us. Even if I early experienced people leaving from my life, either by dying or otherwise disappearing, I still had quite a few wonderful people who appeared for me when in need.
Nevertheless, I probably became preoccupied with fending for myself early on and became an independent, strong-willed young lady much to soon.
Being slightly afraid of being abandoned made me unconsciously compensate by becoming very strong within myself. I turned my gaze inward early on, and became extremely critical of myself and others.
Adolescence is tough for everyone, and I think it can be even tougher for those growing up today. When I was growing up, things were somewhat more transparent, we were exempted from social media, no online chats and other things. It was easier for adults and parents to pick up what was going on, than it is today. It seems to me that the damage have gone to such a depth, before we are able to grasp anything now.
We experience the world from our own perspective, a perspective that consists of what we have filtered out through our own experience and what society around us filters into us from the very day we are born.
After a lot of mistakes in early adolescence, I had a well-developed intuition, and made some choices that turned out to be lucky for me. One of the choices I made was the young man, who is still my partner to this day after almost 40 years.
Many have asked questions on how we have managed to stay together for so long. Don't get me wrong, of course it hasn't been a bed of roses, far from it... there have been many reefs in the sea, no doubt about that, and I have been responsible for many of them.
But after experiencing several years in such a close, consensual partnership, my nervous system was able to get out of the fight/ flight / freeze state I had been in, the walls of protection were torn down, and I was given a good opportunity to develop further as a human being.
At times I felt trapped, my instincts told me to flee, and I did a few times. It felt too close, too much, but finally as I gave in, let go of all control, I became a free spirit.
I am grateful for this today, and it has given us both the opportunity to explore ourselves on our respective sides in different areas of life. At least we got the base we needed early on, the security no matter what happened.
I later learned that this is a well-known phenomenon in psychology, and is called the paradox effect.
The irony is that the closer a couple is to each other, the more they can decide over themselves. You stop being a victim of circumstances, you experience that you are more self-determining.
This is what happened; after only a short period of time, people began to treat me differently than before. They didn’t know about my new status, but still things changed.
From being a person most people took for granted, the person they could insult and do anything to, I now had changed into a person they instinctively knew they couldn't disrespect.
I have recently thought back to how this turned out in practical terms when I was out on the town with girlfriends in the years after this. We all looked quite the same, young, beautiful, nicely dressed, we were all social and nice women. But why were we treated so differently by men when we were out?
Some were sought out and insulted in the most disgusting ways, often spoken to in an indecent manner, while others clearly had something that kept the same people at arm's length. There was absolutely nothing to suggest that there should be any difference between us.
Today I understand what it was, we all had quite different backgrounds... some had a safe, good upbringing, a healthy self-image and a complete identity, and were not at all in search of recognition from anyone. Therefore they did not attract bad men, they were unconsciously avoided like the plague.
When I look back today at the change that took place in me, when I found security within myself, felt good about myself and had a solid identity, then all the unwanted approaches disappeared, like dew before the sun. I had a completely different energy than I had before.
So dear ladies and gentlemen, yes this can also apply to men, if you understand what is happening, you will be able to get rid of unpleasant situations more easily. It's an inside job, we have to heal ourselves first, then the people out in the world will follow.
Another side of this that has also puzzled me as I have conversations with clients about this topic, both women and men, who have been living in such a "victim" situation for a long time, even perhaps almost a lifetime, get abstinence when this negative attention disappears. They are so used to receiving attention, regardless of whether it's a bad kind of attention, their ego still sees this as something pleasant, and they make excuses such as "they think I'm lovely", "I'm attractive", "happy that they fancy me", etc etc.. the ego does not recognize that our inner child gets deep wounds, our emotions are damaged and our self-worth suffers, and thus they are into the same shit again.
Why am I not respected? What am I doing wrong?
You are not doing anything wrong, you are absolutely wonderful as you are, there is just something in you that needs to be healed, so that you can become a whole and secure human being. Personal development does this for you, as well as so much more!
In our study, a constant, spaced repetition and re-evaluation of yourself will cause things to change. This might seem a bit scary, but it is nothing compared to what you will feel when you really have control on how society meet and greet you, because you will become a confident and healed person.
I may talk with great enthusiasm about all the different topics we work on; I can have LIVES on social media every single day. It may be of temporary benefit to you, but it is not likely lead to any kind of lasting change. You need good people around you, who keep you accountable and who cheers and believes in you.
If you want to build something within yourself, that will be of lasting and good value, then you have to give it your heart and soul. Therefore, we recommend that all our clients follow the study plan carefully, video lessons must be watched and the workbook with assignments is as important as the coaching itself.
To be with a group together with other students, gives you a tremendous insight and sometimes you will learn more just by watching and experiencing other people’s progress than from your own. Those who follow the study plan, and do exactly as they're told, make fabulous progress… But remember, there is no such thing as a free ride.
I'm not saying it necessarily have to be hard, but you must be disciplined and willing to make the necessary sacrifices. And as a start, you must make a decision.
You must choose you.
